Confessions.

I don't value myself enough to stay out of situations that could lead to promiscuity.

I am scared of putting the effort into my friendships with girls.

I get lonely.

I feel better about myself when people find me attractive.

I don't find my self worth in the Lord.

My thoughts center around myself rather than others, even when I try and pretend to care.

I want a relationship that is Christ centered, yet I don't pursue God myself, and then I go and blame it on the other person.

I confuse lust and love on a daily basis.

I make plans that I never follow through on.

My house is a mess.

Anyone else?

Ten weeks to love...

There are ten weeks until Christmas.

So I want to spend these ten weeks focusing on these things.

This week, listening without interrupting...

¹³ He who answers before listening—
that is his folly and his shame.

Every week I'll try to add more to my focus, and with the help of the source of all love, maybe I will be able to more fully love those around me.

Too many depressing posts, so here's this

God is amazing.

I could sit and tell you the things that have happened in my life, the prayers for time, for relationships, for the health of my friends, for strength to maintain joy, all answered.

But really, that is not why.

Even if I didn't see the glory in my own life, it would still be :)

Arnold Friend driving a golf cart

Last night I dreamed

I ran away from everything

but a man was chasing me with a knife

his wide legs tearing through tall grass,

and I knew I couldn't escape.

So I gave in.

I kissed his wrinkled lips

while we stood by a glass window,

and wrenched the knife from his hands.

I wonder where I am going.

You Can Tell Everybody This is Your Song.

If my lips carried the weight of the hearts they have injured,

my jaw would hang open in amazement all day.

People would stare down the gaping hole of my throat

and see the confusion beneath my esophagus.

I wonder, "What does it mean to be your girlfriend?"

I promise I will be true until I am bored or something goes wrong with you.

(Yet there is a spark of hope in my veins, the same color as your eyes)

Procrastination.

If my life were a novel, I would stand looking at the table of contents,

planning the course so that I never reach

The End.

Am I really.....?

I haven't posted here in ages. I need something that's more private though, and less people know about this.
I'm lonely. So where else but the internet will I go to share my feelings.

Poetically? or not whatevs.

some days I wonder if I am really a girl.

not because I'm blind to my swaying hips and ample breasts,

but because some days I wonder if I am even human.

if I have the ability to care.

or if it has atrophied from years of disuse.

and I think some are starting to notice

and reflect my apathy back to me.

I become unloved, left out, friendless.

a robot for working

a doll for sex (at least in fantasy).

which is easier than friendship anyway.

some days I wonder if I am really a girl.

because of other girls.

their camaraderie.

their giggles and tears.

so sharply contrasting with my silence and screams.

am I

am I really

am I really a

girl?

human being?

animal?

angel?

devil?

statue?

do you

know?

Thoughts on dance

This week, I have been unable to dance, due to a neuroma/ joint pain (?) in my foot.

Watching as others danced made me cringe. For one thing, I felt like people thought I was a slacker, which is ridiculous, but dancers are supposed to suck it up and forget pain etc. And worse than that, I felt like I was in a box, both physically and emotionally, unable to express or learn or grow. It was TERRIBLE.

But honestly, I am think I needed to have this experience. Watching actually helped me see problems that others have that I can improve myself. And I am so appreciative of being able to move now. I went into Modern today and I smiled the entire time. I feel like I can connect more deeply now. I am eager. I am ready.

Let's dance : )

Honestly.

I think honesty is a very important thing. I have come to appreciate it more and more in recent weeks.

So I must be honest.

This is why I have not been as close to God:
I am afraid. Afraid that the Christian lifestyle is not a mold I fit into. As a cynical feminist who hates to be in relationships. As a person with a past written on my face. I am afraid of losing out on youth and putting myself in a box of rules that keeps me from so much of life. I am afraid of people not liking me because they think I judge them, so I condone everything they do, even what I don't agree with. I hide my light. I hide it because I don't want to blind the world.

But you know what? They need to be blinded. I need to be blinded. I need you God. I need you more now than I ever ever have. I need you to call me home and tell me I can keep pressing on, even as I struggle.I need you to let me speak with authority, even though I am blemished. I need you to love me and let me have the confidence to love you in return. I need help.

Honestly.

Weddings.

Tonight, I saw two people get married.
Bows hitting strings and a ring bearer stumbling down the aisle.
I saw the cream of your dress.
Silk on the Earth chasing an angel.
All sat in reverence as you made your vows.
Priest consecrating a perfect union.
I look up to the cross above the altar.
Forgiveness is written in your joyful tears
The gentle placing on of rings
Symbol of a love, pure, unconditional.
Looking down my dress to adulterated flesh
Scars on prickly white
Itchy. Get me out.
I don't belong in a place so sacred
This is for a fairy tale princess,
Not her dusty chambermaid.
I run tripping between the pews.

Hidden from the light of life
Who would want this for a wife?

My Heart on a Page. This took Courage that I don't possess.

Let me be upfront: I am a total fuck-up. Every day. I do something stupid or thoughtless or hurtful. I hurt the one I love over and over, but by some insane miracle (some call it grace) He loves me. Like a lot. He shows me my heart and he lives with me and calls to me and I love Him too, even if I have a hard time showing it sometimes. I'm going to tell you a love story now. Mine. And I hope that you will allow the amazing love I have experienced come into your life too.

I grew up "Episcopalian." Really, I just sang in the choir, but I never understood the fullness of the words coming from my adolescent lips. I thought God was a stained-glass window, a golden Cross, a hymnal full of catchy tunes.

When I was 15, that changed.

My mother told me she was going to divorce my father because she was gay and he was depressed and ladida. I was okay. He wasn't.

I found him snoring, or so I thought. I think that's why I can't stand snoring now. I think people are going to die. Or at least come very close to it. Which was the case.

Immediately, I did what I do in crisis. I built walls. I fortified on the outside what was crumbling on the inside. I was "fine" with my family. I was "fine" going to school. I was strong. I needed no God.

This was May 22nd.

I spent the next 3 months being a hard-ass in the Bay area, driving through the hills, but not appreciating their beauty amid my cynicism, apathy, and callousness. I wanted to drink and fight and smoke and make out with strangers. So I did.

I was searching. I thought maybe I could be a Jew. That would be cool. Or a Deist. Or a Wiccan. Anything but a dumbass Christian like everyone else.

That is, until I read the words that would change my life forever. Mere Christianity, given to me by Will, one of my closest friends and Bodhisattva (in a non-Buddhist sense), spelled out the truth I'd be needing to hear. That God, Jesus, the whole nine yards, made more sense than I ever thought possible.

I started going to Youth Group at Eagle's Way, which is an amazing, healing place to me. I don't know what I would have done without Mike and Bobbijo and everyone else who encouraged me to grow in my faith.

I am still growing though. A little seed trying to pop out of the ground. I am attempting to know God more, to know Christ more. To listen when he tells me where I need to be and what I need to do.

I don't really drink or smoke anymore, though I could give a flying fuck if anyone else does. I just want to love people like He did. I gave up a boy that meant a lot to me. I may have to give up several. Sacrifice is hard and I really struggle with it, but it's nothing in comparison to giving up what He did.

I fall more and more in love with God each day. I see the trees and the stars and the faces He made, and I feel His Spirit in my heart. I want everyone to love Him and to be loved by Him.

So if you are one of those beautiful, glorious faces He created, I beg of you: look past me and my mistakes for I am completely flawed, as are all human beings. Look to someone who is without flaw, who will always love you no matter where you go or what you do. Look to someone who will save you, who will change your life- give you life. Look to Christ and only Christ. And when you see the light from His face, let it live in your heart.

Find love, and give it all away.

Chain of events...

I'm sorry for being so cynical lately. I feel like every other word out of my mouth is bitter and full of hate. My heart is a little jaded.

But tonight, someone helped me put things in perspective. God works so intricately in my life it's ridiculous. People think relationships are an end in themselves, but really, they can be doorways to so many greater things. I recently ended one, and I'm realizing how much good has come from that.

For one, a newfound form of expression, and the future opportunities it brings. I got some perspective, allowing me to see my own selfishness in a new light. And at a party tonight, I was told that this relationship indirectly brought about a change in someone's heart, a new search for the love I so cherish, that is freely given to everyone, and that never falls apart. I feel like God's using me to work on other's hearts, and I'm really humbled and thankful to know that He would allow me to serve Him.

I just want to grow closer. And I want to help others do the same. Because I know how much He loves them, and it makes me so happy to see they recognize it too.