My Heart on a Page. This took Courage that I don't possess.

Let me be upfront: I am a total fuck-up. Every day. I do something stupid or thoughtless or hurtful. I hurt the one I love over and over, but by some insane miracle (some call it grace) He loves me. Like a lot. He shows me my heart and he lives with me and calls to me and I love Him too, even if I have a hard time showing it sometimes. I'm going to tell you a love story now. Mine. And I hope that you will allow the amazing love I have experienced come into your life too.

I grew up "Episcopalian." Really, I just sang in the choir, but I never understood the fullness of the words coming from my adolescent lips. I thought God was a stained-glass window, a golden Cross, a hymnal full of catchy tunes.

When I was 15, that changed.

My mother told me she was going to divorce my father because she was gay and he was depressed and ladida. I was okay. He wasn't.

I found him snoring, or so I thought. I think that's why I can't stand snoring now. I think people are going to die. Or at least come very close to it. Which was the case.

Immediately, I did what I do in crisis. I built walls. I fortified on the outside what was crumbling on the inside. I was "fine" with my family. I was "fine" going to school. I was strong. I needed no God.

This was May 22nd.

I spent the next 3 months being a hard-ass in the Bay area, driving through the hills, but not appreciating their beauty amid my cynicism, apathy, and callousness. I wanted to drink and fight and smoke and make out with strangers. So I did.

I was searching. I thought maybe I could be a Jew. That would be cool. Or a Deist. Or a Wiccan. Anything but a dumbass Christian like everyone else.

That is, until I read the words that would change my life forever. Mere Christianity, given to me by Will, one of my closest friends and Bodhisattva (in a non-Buddhist sense), spelled out the truth I'd be needing to hear. That God, Jesus, the whole nine yards, made more sense than I ever thought possible.

I started going to Youth Group at Eagle's Way, which is an amazing, healing place to me. I don't know what I would have done without Mike and Bobbijo and everyone else who encouraged me to grow in my faith.

I am still growing though. A little seed trying to pop out of the ground. I am attempting to know God more, to know Christ more. To listen when he tells me where I need to be and what I need to do.

I don't really drink or smoke anymore, though I could give a flying fuck if anyone else does. I just want to love people like He did. I gave up a boy that meant a lot to me. I may have to give up several. Sacrifice is hard and I really struggle with it, but it's nothing in comparison to giving up what He did.

I fall more and more in love with God each day. I see the trees and the stars and the faces He made, and I feel His Spirit in my heart. I want everyone to love Him and to be loved by Him.

So if you are one of those beautiful, glorious faces He created, I beg of you: look past me and my mistakes for I am completely flawed, as are all human beings. Look to someone who is without flaw, who will always love you no matter where you go or what you do. Look to someone who will save you, who will change your life- give you life. Look to Christ and only Christ. And when you see the light from His face, let it live in your heart.

Find love, and give it all away.