Love. Breathlessly.

Blogspot! I have not forsaken you for Tumblr completely. I really can't write on there anyway.

So tonight's thoughts: LOVE.

What the fuck.

is.

that.

I'm going to be completely honest and just stream my consciousness here.

My grandma loves to work and she's staying home and doing puzzles to help my grandpa. I feel like that is love. I wonder if I'll ever be old, and if I am, if someone will love me when I have wrinkles and I can't walk and if I'll do that for them too.

But then I go and watch 500 days of Summer. Which feels slightly more like my life. Confusion as to what label to put on things, being scared and obsessed, and oddly happy. Wondering if there is one, fate, ladida. And never being able to let someone in completely, or be let in. Young and...free? Sure...

And then my friends with their instant coffee love lives. I am happy for them. Their comfort and girly smiles. But I just don't work that way. I am disillusioned and I can't find a balance between puppeteer and doll on a string.

I don't know what love is. It's not like you could put a picture of a young couple next to the dictionary definition. Then you would miss the humble love of years, two women laughing in the sand, or a husband trudging through snow for 10 miles to find a deal on a Mac for his wife.

Oh the human experience. I guess I will appreciate this period of mine. Breathlessly.

Fully to your feet.

Where have I been?

I will meet you in dance this morning

But my heart is not moving grace

fully like my feet.

The lines connecting the dots

of people around me are uncoiling.

Our words chosen care

fully like the steps.

Hearts and lights dimming

as we forget to replenish our fuel

Though we walk peace

fully like children.

When will we grow up?

If we keep regressing and regretting

then returning prayer

fully to your feet.

This is just to say

how much I miss you when I run away.

You said you've tried it before, but it's not a new food or a hobby. It's breath, life, light.

He is not someone you try to love.

His love is one that steals upon you

Like a thief in the night.

Dew drops that wash away

the crystals of sand holding you in slumber,

blinding you to dawn and high noon,

entrenching you in palpable midnight.

Light streams through the spaces in your blinders,

evolving from emission line to absorption line spectrum,

until one day you see the fullness of light from a perfect blackbody,

whose entire brightness radiates from within, where force brings atoms together.

Three particles make one atom,

in a reaction that ripples through the universe

like a wave of blood the sea of your beating chest.

Your being is illuminated, animated, a reflection of sunlight.

Plans that will come to fruition

I have been blogging too much. But I feel the need.

Random thought: the word "believe" begins with the word "belie" which means to contradict what something seems to be. I feel like if you really believe something, you have to contradict all the negativity, apathy, and selfishness that is expected.

On that note, I made a list of things I am going to do this year, in no particular order (starting tomorrow):

1. Volunteer with the elderly, because we can help each other.

2. Learn a language.

3. Get my voice back to where it used to be

4. Aerial dance

5. Caving, Kayaking, and other outdoor activities

6.Figure out Photography

7. Learn to play Harmonica

8. Get some real work experience

9. Become financially independent

10. Be courageous enough to tell people what I believe

Nothing is stopping me, and much is strengthening me.

I miss Athens...also I'm bored.

I miss routine and calling my friends on a whim to do random things and walking while listening to Fleet Foxes and churches that have so much heart and PB& J and dance and Pilates and teaching and grassy fields.

I fit there.

Because today was all astronomy and conversation

Like Jupiter, like Saturn

Young and turbulent

Evolving into massive bodies

of wisdom and experience

We lie close.

Shining reflected sunlight.

There is only one way to love

Between every person lies a river, deep and dark and cold. Some may try to swim across, but will always drown. Others will sit timidly on the shores, too afraid to breach the borders.

But oh what a wonder! There is a way to ford these treacherous streams.

A boat lies along the shore, sturdy and strong, able to carry any weight you have to bear. And in that boat is a boatman; he gives you his hand, and kindly helps you climb into the boat. He doesn't even care about your dirty feet and the stains on your worn out clothes. He just sits with you as the gentle breeze blows you across the waves.

And then there are no trenches or moats to separate these hearts. All three together they walk on water.

Swimmers

Chains, cages, ceilings, walls all fade away around you,

leaving only the water at the edge of the world.

I don't want to keep you caught in the sand.

Let's just swim into the abyss together

Floating under the sun.

Sailing under the stars.

Small life, finite, ours.

Be Present

I live in a city named for wisdom, yet it was a trip away that helped me to see the wisdom I've been missing here.

Lately, I have been seriously questioning what I want to do with my life. It seems like every aspect is up in the air: What degree should I get? Should I have a job next year? What the hell am I doing with my dating life? So many questions have been burdening my mind and causing me more worry than they should. I have this need to know now what I am supposed to do years down the road and it kills me to not be able to look into my crystal ball and see how everything plays out.

But yesterday I drove to a town that looks like it should be surrounded by mountains, and met some of the most amazing people, people who helped explain what my mother is telling me constantly- you don't have to have it all figured out today!

Mama and Papa Scraw (aka the Strausses) answered my struggling questions. They talked about how we- I- am not God. I don't have the power to see the future or control it. At first, that drove me nuts. But when I thought about it, I realized what a positive thing that is. God knows everything, so I don't have to. I simply have to seek Him and live in the present moment and things will fall into place. I get to enjoy this and every part of my life, rather than watching the scenery fly past. I am nineteen- young and strong and able to learn and grow. I have amazing friends that I get to sing and laugh and cry with, and a family that cares for me. I have sunshine and starwatching and torrential rainfall. I have life, and I have someone who is always there to walk through it with me, slowly opening my eyes to the beauty that lies along the path.

I left my soul in San Francisco

I don't know where I have been. I feel like I have been so out of touch with everything- my friends, my family, myself, and God. I have been playing make believe, putting cartoon bandaids on wounds that need stitches. Trying to touch and feel with scarred tissue. I am not ready yet. I am not ready.

I remember two years ago, actually, almost three, when I was in the Bay Area for the first of many summers. I remember riding in the backseat listening to the Honorary Title and Tegan and Sara and watching the hills and wishing I could tuck and roll out of the car and run through them and bask in the sunshine and just enjoy being alone and being whole. I feel like that again.

But the difference is that, this time, I feel like there is hope. It's hard to realize that. It's hard to hope for the future when you're stuck wishing for the past and it keeps being thrown in your face. I think about running through those hills and dancing in the sun and being content rather than hardened and cold.

But I need to be truthful. I have to run through those hills alone. I need time to think and heal and feel and grow and root deep into the ground.

It helps that I have amazing friends, friends who feel a lot of the same things as me, and who understand and support and make me smile while I drive through Autumn leaves singing Eisley at the top of my lungs.

On a side note, I just read over this and realized I write in really cryptic run-on sentences. And I would like to advertise that if anyone wants candy, I have about 20 lbs to much. The end.

I'm a big oak tree, growing up so high, spreading out my branches, reaching for the sky...

Pine trees may seem
imposing,
with bark and needles,
powerful.

Oak trees are more
inviting,
sprawled out branches
to climb on.

But when the storm comes,
who falls?
My roots go deep
in rich soil.

My yellow leaves fly
to you.
Shudder in my
fearless wind.

When you go to hell, be sure to pack a sweater.

If I were a cadaver and some eager medical student were slicing open my torso,
they would be surprised.
They would wonder how I looked so flush when the blood in my veins was still, stagnant,
with nothing to pump it through
To the liver and lung and bowel and sinew, the ones that I give to you,
because they are what's left.
And since they serve no function in this hollow, stuffed (wo)man who cannot bleed,
who got cut too deep,
Why don't you toss them aside on some highway or alleyway or playground,
so the birds can have a nibble,
Just like I could throw you aside, you and everyone else that passes by,
without a second glance
And I'll stitch myself up (very slender without all those pesky organs) and keep walking,
looking like I have the ability to care.

How Do You Love the Unloveable?

To be loved, you must first love, and be loveable.

Well, sir. I have discovered there is, in me, something utterly unloveable. I hope I am spelling that word correctly.
Anyway, I have not been anywhere close to my best the last few days. It seems like everything I do is the opposite of everything I know I should do. I tell myself to eat healthy, and end up snacking on candy corn pumpkins. I know I need 8 hours of sleep, and I stay up aimlessly until even 6 is out of reach. I want to spend more time focusing on God, and I facebook instead. I want to be more positive and energetic, but I curse everything and mentally check out as soon as my jazz class starts to get difficult. I am tired, cranky, apathetic, and acne-scarred. Why would anyone love me?
Yet, someone does. Someone infinite and perfect loves someone fallible and transient. It blows my mind, and is often difficult to accept. But I must get beyond the idea of meriting love, and let grace sweep in and lift me up. And with that support, I must look beyond the unloveable in others and see the love that created them, and perhaps they will be able to do the same.

If you want to sing out, sing out, and be free

Who writes a blog at 5 am? I do!

But you see, I had an enlightening conversation last night and I thought I would share a little bit of the wisdom I acquired from a friend of mine.

In the middle of the conversation, I blurted out that I was going to make this particular friend (or whatever you may call him) a mix CD. Then I started going on and on about Fleet Foxes and how I can't stop smiling while I'm walking down the street listening to their music. Then somehow it got on the subject of singing, and I revealed the little moment of car hymn time I had the previous evening. Mr. Wise-Man-With-Great-Laugh concurred with the love of singing in cars and showers, but then suggested something more.

He said that perhaps we sing what we want to be. We may listen to a lot of music, but if we ACTIVELY sing, we are more likely to emulate the words that flow from our lips. I have often been a listener in life. I soak in knowledge like a sponge, and for a while now I have been able to accept that knowledge in my heart as true. Yet my mouth has been shut and my hands and feet bound with the chains of inaction. Lately, it has been put on my heart that without action, my faith is but a shell of what it could be. I find that in order to mature, I must not only search for truth and keep it on my mind at all times, the truth I find must show forth in my life, in how I treat others, in my behaviors, in the words that pass from my lips, and in the face that I present to the world. I must SING, must DO, what I want to BE.

I just pulled a Garden State!

I love nights like tonight. Nights when love shows you all of its dazzling facets.

I cried watching my mom get married. I am so happy that she found someone who loves her and makes her so incredibly happy. She deserves happiness more than anyone I know. I love her.

And to top it off, I got to see one of the best friends I've ever known. Someone I admire and laugh with and talk to for hours...

But really, the best part of tonight was the Garden State reenactment. Yes. We put on trash bags and screamed on top of a truck (for we had no cliff) in the pouring rain, letting go of all the worries and frustrations and everything holding us back. It was...EPIC.

I love my life. That is all.

Hope this brightens someone elses day like it did mine

Today I was walking back from English. I had put my ipod in a different compartment in my bookbag because it's all rainy and I needed to protect it from the wetness. So I went to pull it out, and all these tampons fell on the ground. I just kept walking. and laughing.
Good day : )

All things work for good : )

I have been writing way too many blogs, but so much is happening in my life and on my heart.

I will go ahead and own up to the fact that I seriously screwed up recently, definitely not exhibiting God's love, or honoring Him with my actions.

But check this out. I woke up feeling guilty, and then I looked out my window and realized that mistake can be used for good. For one thing, I see now that I would much rather have God's approval than the approval of the people around me. And that I can be good to people and still follow my own heart.

I love days like today. The clouds are clearing out, the coffee is strong, and my crazy ballet teacher awaits!

Window.

I am shaken right now. Like someone has just removed the rose-colored glasses I use to view life and I am left in a dingy room searching for sunshine.
People are fallible. Every person. Especially me. And I am so afraid right now that I am the person causing others to turn away from God rather than to fall in love with Him. I want to be honest. I am the lowest of the low. I know nothing. But God is not. He does not fail. Ever. So look past me. I am a dirty window blocking your view of that sunshine. And you deserve to be bathed in its warmth and light.

Appearances

God seriously likes to call me out. Like make me seriously convicted about what I'm doing wrong. This week, it's about how I look. No I don't mean God is sitting up in Heaven with a magnifying glass scrutinizing my acne or thigh fat. It's more about how I look in a spiritual sense.

I have always been afraid to be one of "those Christians," you know, the ones that fit the stereotype of never drinking or smoking or cursing and always wearing polos and khakis. Partially, it's because I am irrevocably connected to my past. I grew up without a relationship with God, and as a result, grew up looking like a the heathen I was. After I "was saved" "found God" and all those other stereotypical phrases that aren't nearly good enough to describe it, I still hung around the same people, people who knew my past, and who I feared would call me a hypocrite and a fake if I exchanged my dirty tshirt for a clean white robe.

Why am I talking in past tense? This is still what I'm struggling with. And don't get me wrong, I LOVE those people. Seriously. It's just hard to get past my fear and explain why I don't really feel like doing drugs or drinking or having sex or talking shit about people (see there I go I curse a LOT which is bad for teachers and am a horrible gossip seriously).So I keep on doing it. Less, but still. Even if someone sees me with one drink, or one pissed off look, or a couple of bites that don't necessarily scream "I'm celebate!" (which I am but would you guess that?) they automatically see me as the same person I was before. And if I look like I haven't changed, then how does that make God look?

Well, this is getting really long. But point is: as difficult as it may be, I have to start looking more like a change has happened in my life. I'm doing okay so far. Last night I stayed sober at a party, though I'll admit I had a few cigarettes even with my cough... And I'm trying to surround myself with positive people, who I seriously love.

Ladida. naptime.

Dance Like No One's Watching

When I dance, it's one of the only times I feel like I let go of who I am and what people think of me. I am something beyond flesh and bone and past mistakes. I am lines and circles and thoughts and dreams. I am complete and happy and living for God at least for a moment.

I want to write like that. I want to say what I feel like no one is reading it. I won't compare myself to those more poetic or profound, and I won't be embarrassed about my shortcomings in print or life. I will simply state, assess, and move forward.

And right now I will stop creating a blog and do the astronomy homework and English paper I have been putting off all weekend.