Plans that will come to fruition

I have been blogging too much. But I feel the need.

Random thought: the word "believe" begins with the word "belie" which means to contradict what something seems to be. I feel like if you really believe something, you have to contradict all the negativity, apathy, and selfishness that is expected.

On that note, I made a list of things I am going to do this year, in no particular order (starting tomorrow):

1. Volunteer with the elderly, because we can help each other.

2. Learn a language.

3. Get my voice back to where it used to be

4. Aerial dance

5. Caving, Kayaking, and other outdoor activities

6.Figure out Photography

7. Learn to play Harmonica

8. Get some real work experience

9. Become financially independent

10. Be courageous enough to tell people what I believe

Nothing is stopping me, and much is strengthening me.

I miss Athens...also I'm bored.

I miss routine and calling my friends on a whim to do random things and walking while listening to Fleet Foxes and churches that have so much heart and PB& J and dance and Pilates and teaching and grassy fields.

I fit there.

Because today was all astronomy and conversation

Like Jupiter, like Saturn

Young and turbulent

Evolving into massive bodies

of wisdom and experience

We lie close.

Shining reflected sunlight.

There is only one way to love

Between every person lies a river, deep and dark and cold. Some may try to swim across, but will always drown. Others will sit timidly on the shores, too afraid to breach the borders.

But oh what a wonder! There is a way to ford these treacherous streams.

A boat lies along the shore, sturdy and strong, able to carry any weight you have to bear. And in that boat is a boatman; he gives you his hand, and kindly helps you climb into the boat. He doesn't even care about your dirty feet and the stains on your worn out clothes. He just sits with you as the gentle breeze blows you across the waves.

And then there are no trenches or moats to separate these hearts. All three together they walk on water.

Swimmers

Chains, cages, ceilings, walls all fade away around you,

leaving only the water at the edge of the world.

I don't want to keep you caught in the sand.

Let's just swim into the abyss together

Floating under the sun.

Sailing under the stars.

Small life, finite, ours.

Be Present

I live in a city named for wisdom, yet it was a trip away that helped me to see the wisdom I've been missing here.

Lately, I have been seriously questioning what I want to do with my life. It seems like every aspect is up in the air: What degree should I get? Should I have a job next year? What the hell am I doing with my dating life? So many questions have been burdening my mind and causing me more worry than they should. I have this need to know now what I am supposed to do years down the road and it kills me to not be able to look into my crystal ball and see how everything plays out.

But yesterday I drove to a town that looks like it should be surrounded by mountains, and met some of the most amazing people, people who helped explain what my mother is telling me constantly- you don't have to have it all figured out today!

Mama and Papa Scraw (aka the Strausses) answered my struggling questions. They talked about how we- I- am not God. I don't have the power to see the future or control it. At first, that drove me nuts. But when I thought about it, I realized what a positive thing that is. God knows everything, so I don't have to. I simply have to seek Him and live in the present moment and things will fall into place. I get to enjoy this and every part of my life, rather than watching the scenery fly past. I am nineteen- young and strong and able to learn and grow. I have amazing friends that I get to sing and laugh and cry with, and a family that cares for me. I have sunshine and starwatching and torrential rainfall. I have life, and I have someone who is always there to walk through it with me, slowly opening my eyes to the beauty that lies along the path.

I left my soul in San Francisco

I don't know where I have been. I feel like I have been so out of touch with everything- my friends, my family, myself, and God. I have been playing make believe, putting cartoon bandaids on wounds that need stitches. Trying to touch and feel with scarred tissue. I am not ready yet. I am not ready.

I remember two years ago, actually, almost three, when I was in the Bay Area for the first of many summers. I remember riding in the backseat listening to the Honorary Title and Tegan and Sara and watching the hills and wishing I could tuck and roll out of the car and run through them and bask in the sunshine and just enjoy being alone and being whole. I feel like that again.

But the difference is that, this time, I feel like there is hope. It's hard to realize that. It's hard to hope for the future when you're stuck wishing for the past and it keeps being thrown in your face. I think about running through those hills and dancing in the sun and being content rather than hardened and cold.

But I need to be truthful. I have to run through those hills alone. I need time to think and heal and feel and grow and root deep into the ground.

It helps that I have amazing friends, friends who feel a lot of the same things as me, and who understand and support and make me smile while I drive through Autumn leaves singing Eisley at the top of my lungs.

On a side note, I just read over this and realized I write in really cryptic run-on sentences. And I would like to advertise that if anyone wants candy, I have about 20 lbs to much. The end.