Appearances

God seriously likes to call me out. Like make me seriously convicted about what I'm doing wrong. This week, it's about how I look. No I don't mean God is sitting up in Heaven with a magnifying glass scrutinizing my acne or thigh fat. It's more about how I look in a spiritual sense.

I have always been afraid to be one of "those Christians," you know, the ones that fit the stereotype of never drinking or smoking or cursing and always wearing polos and khakis. Partially, it's because I am irrevocably connected to my past. I grew up without a relationship with God, and as a result, grew up looking like a the heathen I was. After I "was saved" "found God" and all those other stereotypical phrases that aren't nearly good enough to describe it, I still hung around the same people, people who knew my past, and who I feared would call me a hypocrite and a fake if I exchanged my dirty tshirt for a clean white robe.

Why am I talking in past tense? This is still what I'm struggling with. And don't get me wrong, I LOVE those people. Seriously. It's just hard to get past my fear and explain why I don't really feel like doing drugs or drinking or having sex or talking shit about people (see there I go I curse a LOT which is bad for teachers and am a horrible gossip seriously).So I keep on doing it. Less, but still. Even if someone sees me with one drink, or one pissed off look, or a couple of bites that don't necessarily scream "I'm celebate!" (which I am but would you guess that?) they automatically see me as the same person I was before. And if I look like I haven't changed, then how does that make God look?

Well, this is getting really long. But point is: as difficult as it may be, I have to start looking more like a change has happened in my life. I'm doing okay so far. Last night I stayed sober at a party, though I'll admit I had a few cigarettes even with my cough... And I'm trying to surround myself with positive people, who I seriously love.

Ladida. naptime.