Looking back

I remembered this blog and looked back. It's very interesting to see how I've changed, and how I remain constant.

How I am still tempted by some things, still cynical about some others, still hopeful that God will change.

How I am more able to withstand, more able to trust, less dramatic, more at peace.

How I wonder at words. At what they mean. At their aim and if it's me.

How I turn away silently, when I once felt compelled to speak.

I realize I will never know what might have been, and I must be thankful for the life I have chosen to lead, and all the joy and calm it brings.

Confessions.

I don't value myself enough to stay out of situations that could lead to promiscuity.

I am scared of putting the effort into my friendships with girls.

I get lonely.

I feel better about myself when people find me attractive.

I don't find my self worth in the Lord.

My thoughts center around myself rather than others, even when I try and pretend to care.

I want a relationship that is Christ centered, yet I don't pursue God myself, and then I go and blame it on the other person.

I confuse lust and love on a daily basis.

I make plans that I never follow through on.

My house is a mess.

Anyone else?

Ten weeks to love...

There are ten weeks until Christmas.

So I want to spend these ten weeks focusing on these things.

This week, listening without interrupting...

¹³ He who answers before listening—
that is his folly and his shame.

Every week I'll try to add more to my focus, and with the help of the source of all love, maybe I will be able to more fully love those around me.

Too many depressing posts, so here's this

God is amazing.

I could sit and tell you the things that have happened in my life, the prayers for time, for relationships, for the health of my friends, for strength to maintain joy, all answered.

But really, that is not why.

Even if I didn't see the glory in my own life, it would still be :)

Arnold Friend driving a golf cart

Last night I dreamed

I ran away from everything

but a man was chasing me with a knife

his wide legs tearing through tall grass,

and I knew I couldn't escape.

So I gave in.

I kissed his wrinkled lips

while we stood by a glass window,

and wrenched the knife from his hands.

I wonder where I am going.

You Can Tell Everybody This is Your Song.

If my lips carried the weight of the hearts they have injured,

my jaw would hang open in amazement all day.

People would stare down the gaping hole of my throat

and see the confusion beneath my esophagus.

I wonder, "What does it mean to be your girlfriend?"

I promise I will be true until I am bored or something goes wrong with you.

(Yet there is a spark of hope in my veins, the same color as your eyes)

Procrastination.

If my life were a novel, I would stand looking at the table of contents,

planning the course so that I never reach

The End.

Am I really.....?

I haven't posted here in ages. I need something that's more private though, and less people know about this.
I'm lonely. So where else but the internet will I go to share my feelings.

Poetically? or not whatevs.

some days I wonder if I am really a girl.

not because I'm blind to my swaying hips and ample breasts,

but because some days I wonder if I am even human.

if I have the ability to care.

or if it has atrophied from years of disuse.

and I think some are starting to notice

and reflect my apathy back to me.

I become unloved, left out, friendless.

a robot for working

a doll for sex (at least in fantasy).

which is easier than friendship anyway.

some days I wonder if I am really a girl.

because of other girls.

their camaraderie.

their giggles and tears.

so sharply contrasting with my silence and screams.

am I

am I really

am I really a

girl?

human being?

animal?

angel?

devil?

statue?

do you

know?