I just pulled a Garden State!

I love nights like tonight. Nights when love shows you all of its dazzling facets.

I cried watching my mom get married. I am so happy that she found someone who loves her and makes her so incredibly happy. She deserves happiness more than anyone I know. I love her.

And to top it off, I got to see one of the best friends I've ever known. Someone I admire and laugh with and talk to for hours...

But really, the best part of tonight was the Garden State reenactment. Yes. We put on trash bags and screamed on top of a truck (for we had no cliff) in the pouring rain, letting go of all the worries and frustrations and everything holding us back. It was...EPIC.

I love my life. That is all.

Hope this brightens someone elses day like it did mine

Today I was walking back from English. I had put my ipod in a different compartment in my bookbag because it's all rainy and I needed to protect it from the wetness. So I went to pull it out, and all these tampons fell on the ground. I just kept walking. and laughing.
Good day : )

All things work for good : )

I have been writing way too many blogs, but so much is happening in my life and on my heart.

I will go ahead and own up to the fact that I seriously screwed up recently, definitely not exhibiting God's love, or honoring Him with my actions.

But check this out. I woke up feeling guilty, and then I looked out my window and realized that mistake can be used for good. For one thing, I see now that I would much rather have God's approval than the approval of the people around me. And that I can be good to people and still follow my own heart.

I love days like today. The clouds are clearing out, the coffee is strong, and my crazy ballet teacher awaits!

Window.

I am shaken right now. Like someone has just removed the rose-colored glasses I use to view life and I am left in a dingy room searching for sunshine.
People are fallible. Every person. Especially me. And I am so afraid right now that I am the person causing others to turn away from God rather than to fall in love with Him. I want to be honest. I am the lowest of the low. I know nothing. But God is not. He does not fail. Ever. So look past me. I am a dirty window blocking your view of that sunshine. And you deserve to be bathed in its warmth and light.

Appearances

God seriously likes to call me out. Like make me seriously convicted about what I'm doing wrong. This week, it's about how I look. No I don't mean God is sitting up in Heaven with a magnifying glass scrutinizing my acne or thigh fat. It's more about how I look in a spiritual sense.

I have always been afraid to be one of "those Christians," you know, the ones that fit the stereotype of never drinking or smoking or cursing and always wearing polos and khakis. Partially, it's because I am irrevocably connected to my past. I grew up without a relationship with God, and as a result, grew up looking like a the heathen I was. After I "was saved" "found God" and all those other stereotypical phrases that aren't nearly good enough to describe it, I still hung around the same people, people who knew my past, and who I feared would call me a hypocrite and a fake if I exchanged my dirty tshirt for a clean white robe.

Why am I talking in past tense? This is still what I'm struggling with. And don't get me wrong, I LOVE those people. Seriously. It's just hard to get past my fear and explain why I don't really feel like doing drugs or drinking or having sex or talking shit about people (see there I go I curse a LOT which is bad for teachers and am a horrible gossip seriously).So I keep on doing it. Less, but still. Even if someone sees me with one drink, or one pissed off look, or a couple of bites that don't necessarily scream "I'm celebate!" (which I am but would you guess that?) they automatically see me as the same person I was before. And if I look like I haven't changed, then how does that make God look?

Well, this is getting really long. But point is: as difficult as it may be, I have to start looking more like a change has happened in my life. I'm doing okay so far. Last night I stayed sober at a party, though I'll admit I had a few cigarettes even with my cough... And I'm trying to surround myself with positive people, who I seriously love.

Ladida. naptime.

Dance Like No One's Watching

When I dance, it's one of the only times I feel like I let go of who I am and what people think of me. I am something beyond flesh and bone and past mistakes. I am lines and circles and thoughts and dreams. I am complete and happy and living for God at least for a moment.

I want to write like that. I want to say what I feel like no one is reading it. I won't compare myself to those more poetic or profound, and I won't be embarrassed about my shortcomings in print or life. I will simply state, assess, and move forward.

And right now I will stop creating a blog and do the astronomy homework and English paper I have been putting off all weekend.